“I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known.” — Kesha, “Praying”
Self-compassion involves recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. By noticing personal limitations, we can work on these areas in a way that nurtures the universal desire for self-actualizationexternal link, opens in a new tab, defined by German neurologist Kurt Goldstein as the process of becoming a wholistic self, not because we’re unacceptable as less than whole versions of ourselves, but because we want to thrive and be happy. According to a 2012 study by Dr. Kristin D. Neffexternal link, opens in a new tab, a self-compassion researcher, people who practice more self-compassion tend to be more motivated, happier and experience lower levels of anxiety and depression.
But just like riding a bike, self-compassion is a skill that must be practiced.
Emotions such as anger, anxiety, sadness, embarrassment, joy, excitement, and contentment come with distinct brain and body patterns that can provide essential insights into our needs. By learning to pay attention to these patterns, we can see that stress in our bodies (signaled by tense muscles, increased pain and more) often brings negative thoughts, like worrying, self-criticism and rumination. However, by connecting with our bodies when they’re in uncomfortable physical states via a formal practice, we can learn to intentionally switch our brain and body responses from a stressed-out state to a more compassionate state, ultimately transforming how we think, feel and act in challenging situations even if we cannot change the situations themselves.
One effective strategy for intentionally challenging how our bodies respond to stress is something Ollie learned in ED treatment known as the PDA Exercise (which stands for “Personal Development Activity,” NOT “Public Displays of Affection.”). This exercise aims to help us learn how to recognize how our bodies and our minds respond before, during, or after a potentially stressful situation, so that we can intentionally approach these situations from a place of self-compassion.
Using the PDA exercise, you can learn how your body responds to a stressful situation by thinking about a potentially activating event, like attending a party, and then taking note of your body’s physical reactions to the imaginary situation, as well as what thoughts arise alongside it. Our suggestion is to create a PDA table that will help you outline the bodily sensations and thoughts you are noticing as you think about getting ready for the party, attending the party and your response to yourself and your actions after the party. For instance, if you get stressed before the event, you might write down that you worry about saying something awkward at the party, which leads to harsh self-criticism about your social skills. Then, while imaging yourself at the party, you might think about how you often severely criticize yourself for your interactions with others, assuming that they think you’re boring. After the party, you may be prone to repeatedly replaying the event in your mind, dwelling on what you did wrong.
Once we know our brain and body patterns when stressed, we can use this knowledge to be more compassionate towards ourselves and our emotions. Each stage of this experience—the lead-up to the party, the event itself, and the reflection afterward—can be approached in ways that are more aligned with your values and help you grow as a self-actualized person, such as recognizing and affirming your strengths and social skills before the party, encouraging yourself to remain present and engaged during the party, and then, being open to learning from the experience afterward, irrespective of the outcome.
