Me and my disabled friends talk a lot about our mobility aids, and we talk a lot about sex. You might be surprised by how often those conversation topics seem to intersect.
I feel very lucky to have so many other disabled people in my social circle. I’ve found that it’s good to be able to talk to someone who fundamentally understands my experience of life. For example, there have been many times when I’ve needed someone who won’t judge me for my complex feelings about mobility aids. These simple objects which help us navigate the world hold a lot of emotional weight. When I first started using a walking stick, I felt anxious and embarrassed. I felt like I was just waiting for somebody to comment that I was too young to be using it. Sometimes I felt like I hadn’t earned the “right” to use an aid because I wasn’t disabled “enough.” Those feelings have changed profoundly in the last few years. I’m lucky – my interactions in public with my mobility aids have been overwhelmingly positive. I’ve also learned to appreciate my aids in different ways. Now, I can look at my forearm crutches and I can notice the way they hold my body up, the way they cradle me. I can look at my medical corset and I can feel… desirable.
Inevitably, when I began to notice the thread of connection between my mobility aids and my sexuality, I was concerned. I felt weird about it, and I wondered if it was even okay for me to feel that way. Would it make other people uncomfortable? Something about it did feel slightly taboo, as though the idea of experiencing joy and passion and desire in a disabled body should immediately be shut down.
Speaking to my disabled community about the topic did bring some clarity. My friends and I spoke of our sexual experiences as disabled people – the good and the bad. Some had experiences with sexual partners who were weird about their disability. But many had experiences of bringing their mobility aids into the bedroom with enthusiasm and understanding from their partners. I ultimately came to the conclusion that there’s a big difference between A) enjoying your own sex life in whatever shape that takes, and B) fetishising somebody else’s experience without being considerate of their consent or enjoyment.
As a disabled person, I now revel in my life with mobility aids. Inevitably they sometimes take on a sexual dimension. They are not an extension of my body, but they do allow my body to become the best version of itself. Using my mobility aids has finally allowed me to forge a connection with my body that I thought was damaged beyond repair. That is something that I would hope that every disabled person can experience at some point in their life.
So, why does this feel so good?
Why does it feel good to sexualise your mobility aids? For me, it was that improved connection with my own body. Aids like my crutches allowed me to feel safe and relaxed. My medical corset and joint braces not only reduced my pain, but also made my body feel special – cared for.
Other disabled people may find that mobility aids help them connect not only with themselves, but also with a partner. The shared experience of using aids in the bedroom feels like a metaphor for a life shared together. It’s an opportunity to understand each other’s bodies, an opportunity to appreciate details that might otherwise have been missed. Lying back while your partner applies K-tape to your limbs, watching them smooth the tape carefully over your skin, has an inherently erotic quality. Likewise, leaning close to your partner’s space as they sit in their wheelchair while you mutually undress. Not only are these aids facilitating sex, but they can also become a galvanising force between partners. There is something undeniably attractive about seeing a partner who is both physically comfortable and obviously enjoying themself.
All of this may still seem rather odd to an able-bodied reader. A mobility aid is still just an object, albeit a useful one. Is there really anything sexy about a rollator or a back brace? I think the answer lies in the fact that even today, disabled people are often viewed as undesirable, uninterested in sex, or perhaps both. It’s still rare to see disabled people represented as sensual beings who are both willing and active participants in sex in the mainstream media, and non-disabled people frequently seem to express surprise that disabled people can and do have sex. Claiming some part of the disabled experience as erotic and sexual can therefore be a radical act. In an ableist world, disabled people in relationships, disabled people having casual hookups – even disabled people masturbating – all are subverting the limited expectations that society has for them.
I think that’s why my disabled friends and I talk about this so often. A lot of us live circumspect lives. Our mobility aids are concrete proof of the fact that we can’t get around as quickly or as easily as we’d like. Often an aid like a crutch can turn an invisible disability into a visible one, drawing attention from our able-bodied peers. And when we sexualise our aids, we take ownership of our experiences. We are not sad, pitiful or peculiar. We are different, but that isn’t something that we should hide. In fact, I think it’s time that we do the opposite.
How to enjoy your mobility aids as part of sex
There are so many different mobility aids, used by all different types of people. It’s also worth mentioning here that disabled people also use other kinds of aids, like hearing aids or AAC systems which facilitate communication. I fully believe that these aids also belong in the bedroom, although I’ll be focusing here on my own experience and aids which specifically enable and assist with physical mobility.
Let’s start with wheelchairs. Wheelchair users themselves are a diverse group: some are ambulatory, some use their wheelchairs to get around permanently. There are also so many different types of wheelchairs, from the self-propelled to the power chair. All of them have something in common, however. They can all be sexy, if you’re willing to see them as sexy! This can be a process that you developed over time, as you work out what works for you. If you’re new to using your wheelchair in the bedroom, you could begin by accessorising your chair in a sensual way. Consider the objects or fabrics that you associate with sex – this could be silk, lace, or silicone in the form of toys! If you have a partner, consider the way your wheelchair can become a space where you can be intimately close like no other. Consider the way that you or your partner might touch your chair in a way that conveys your shared passion.
These tips can also apply to other mobility aids like rollators, crutches, and walking sticks. The sense of touch is so important here. If you’re indulging in some self-exploration, you could consider how it feels to hold the grip of your crutch in your hand. Enjoy the contrast between the harder material and your own softer skin. I also know that some disabled people enjoy bringing items like crutches into sensation play or roleplay. This could mean incorporating your aids into a variety of scenarios or power dynamics. Just remember that it’s vital to discuss with your partner beforehand exactly how you plan to use objects in these scenarios, both for physical and emotional wellbeing.
It’s pretty easy to see the aesthetic similarities between something like a medical corset and a corset that is part of a set of lingerie. Although they have different purposes, both items shape the body in a certain way which can be stimulating for both you and your partner. Most medical corsets aren’t necessarily designed to look pretty – as orthotics, their job is to support your body and reduce pain. But there’s no reason why you shouldn’t customize your corset to suit your aesthetic needs, or simply pair it up with other lingerie items. It’s also worth thinking about involving your partner in the process of taking your corset on or off, to help foster that intimate connection between you. The same logic can apply for any orthotic or brace. It’s a special moment for you both to appreciate what your body can do, and to celebrate the way your mobility aids help to make sex easier, less painful and more fun!
The great thing about splints and braces is that they can potentially come in a range of colours. This is also one of things that I love about K-tape (also known as kinesiology tape). You can easily find an entire rainbow of colours in this tape, which can help to support unstable joints and bring pain relief for muscular-skeletal issues. I personally think that K-tape is a great option for use in the bedroom, not only to keep your body safe from potential injuries but also because the process of applying it to the skin can be such a sensual experience. As a solo exercise, enjoying taking care of your own body can be liberating, as you finally allow yourself to feel those passionate sensations and actually enjoy them! And with a partner, you could try indulging the impulse to take care of each other. Feel what it’s like to have someone else’s hands applying your tape. Experience new textures, colours and feelings.
Of course, some disabled individuals are temporarily or permanently bed bound due to their symptoms. But that doesn’t mean that the bedroom, and bed itself, can’t still be a place for intimacy to take place. It’s worth considering how you can make sex and pleasure accessible for your personal needs. An adjustable bed with a movable mattress may be appropriate, allowing you more mobility in bed to explore with your partner. You could also use a wedge cushion to help you sit up for longer periods. Making the bed a place where sex can easily happen, if you feel up to it, can be a real game changer for your relationship with your partner, or with yourself. But alongside the practicalities of making your bed a space where sex is accessible, there’s plenty of room to think about your bed as a sensual space too! Pillows are a great place to start: not only are they helpful for comfort in bed, but they can also set the mood in terms of colour and texture. Think about how fabrics like silk, satin or velvet can make you feel. How can the lighting in your bedroom help you set the mood for a sensual experience? Fundamentally, your bed should be a place where you can feel comfortable — but it can also be a place of adventure and passion, too!
Some safety tips
I think that it’s entirely fair to say that mobility aids are, rightly or wrongly, designed for functionality over aesthetic attractiveness. It is also noticeable that many mobility aid manufacturers target their designs towards seniors, rather than younger people. However, it really is worth seeking out brands which design aids which will compliment your personal sense of style. If something makes you smile when you look at it, I promise that you’ll want to use it more! You can also accessorize, just as you would accessorize your body to help get you in the mood.
As disabled people, we may also feel the need to be extra careful of our bodies and minds during sex. That doesn’t have to be something that restricts us; in fact it can be a huge boon to ourselves and our partners. Verbal consent IS sexy, and it can be a pleasurable experience to communicate openly about our needs in the bedroom. Extending this communication to the subject of mobility aids is an important step in the process. There may be parts of your aids that you’re not comfortable with another person touching — for example, you may not want someone else pushing your wheelchair or using the controls on your power chair. You may want to be in charge of removing your own braces before or after sex. There may also be medical equipment that your partner should avoid touching altogether, like a stoma or port site. It could be helpful to regularly chat to your partner about using mobility aids in the safest, most effective ways, whether that be a reminder of how to set brakes on your wheelchair or the best way to apply K-tape. Communicating these needs before you get started is a great idea, but you should always feel comfortable making your needs known whenever they happen come up. You know your body best, and you also know your mobility aids and medical equipment best too.
Ultimately, the journey towards sexualising your mobility aids should be all about you: your comfort, your personal taste, and your relationship with your body. Also remember that although this article has talked about the more traditional and well-known mobility aids, a mobility aid is really just anything that helps you to access and move around the world in comfort. In my opinion, all mobility aids belong in the bedroom — hopefully this has given you a few ideas on how to make sure that sex and masturbation are accessible activities for you, too.
